Calm and Connection in Motherhood

Let’s face it. Most of us imagine when we are still pregnant what new motherhood will be like. We imagine our days filled with closeness with our little ones, nursing quietly in a sunny spot in our house and easy walks through the neighborhood.

For many new moms, this idea shifts around the first month. The dream of how motherhood would be takes a radical turn. At this point we look for escapes. There is unexpected monotony, disappointment and challenges that can be hard to face alone. Enter the cell phone: the new parents escape hatch.

The days with a baby can seem endless.

The routine monotonous. Often in such instances we turn to our cell phone. It gives us a sense of connection, a way to experience the world going on around us when we may be feeling so adrift. Unfortunately, this has a way of providing relief while also making us feel worse about our situation. I have seen countless groups and forums that shame new moms for everything from co-sleeping to formula feeding.

In these moments when you reach for your phone to ease a feeling of aloneness, boredom or just a general sense of something missing—take pause. There can be so much information when we give ourselves just a little space to pay attention to what is happening.

Many new moms (and for that matter experienced, multi child moms) I work with struggle with cell phone overuse. They feel guilty about it and most report that it has affected their relationship to their spouse. It all makes sense. We live in a culture that rewards “doing” and shuns “being”. When we find ourselves forced to slow down, whether by illness or having to stay home to care for a little one, our minds find ways to escape.

We look at Facebook, we check email, sometimes we check the weather just to get a moment of relief. It has been shown that checking your cell phone releases the chemical dopamine in the brain. When we hear an email coming in or a text, we get a small release of dopamine. No wonder our phones have us so captivated!

In my practice I offer the following tips to ease excessive cell phone use and help new moms reconnect with themselves and find a sense of calm.

So the next time you reach for your phone, try some of these ideas:

• Try silencing your phone for blocks of time during the day. If you’re brave, turn it off for a few hours.
• Leave your phone in a drawer or somewhere out of reach. Some families have a box that everyone can put their phone into when they come home. Setting intention and creating a separate space for the phone can really help.
• Try something called ‘urge surfing’. When you feel a craving to look at your phone, take a moment to take some deep breathes and actually feel the bodily sensation that aries when you want to use your phone. Pay close attention and feel the sensation move through you.
• Focus on your breathing for a few moments and just pause. All you need to do in this moment is to pay attention to your breath.
• If the urge is strong, tune into what is around you. Some people find it helpful to name things that surround them. Tune into sounds, objects and smells.
• Don’t use it as an alarm clock and don’t bring it into your bedroom.
• Lastly, habits take time to change. Be kind to yourself while you are implementing new ways of being. Awareness really is half the battle.

Set up a 20-minute consult call so I can answer any questions you may have.

Michelle Cilia
Psychotherapy San Francisco
415-710-6731
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