Parenting and Radical Acceptance

Recently, there’s been a lot of chatter about the difficulties of parenthood on social media sites, like Instagram and Facebook. A new breath of honesty has emerged in which people feel more open and less alone in stating how they really feel about being a parent. The blissful, happy new mother trope has begun to dissipate.

As a therapist, I think it’s great to create an open space, but I wonder if there’s a way to hold both the good and bad aspects of our experiences without feeling like we have to sign-up for “happy” or “miserable” mommy camp? Why? Because most parents struggle with ambivalence; the human experience of feeling two things at once.

When I’m working with a parent who’s struggling to adjust to his or her new role, I often explain how parenting can leave us frazzled and more reactive. In this vulnerable state, old coping skills go out the window and the ability to tolerate ambivalence lessens.

Parenting challenges all facets of our being and asks us to constantly tend to another person’s needs while also caring for our own. During this tender time, our emotional muscles can get a workout because tolerating sleep deprivation, less freedom and caring for a tiny person requires so much of us. As a result, painful moments can feel like they are getting the best of us.

What exactly is Radical Acceptance?

Here’s where the concept of radical acceptance comes in. Acknowledging your discomfort or pain can free you from over identifying with it. Doing this can be straightforward and might look something like this: “I’m utterly tired of this job and it feels impossible to think of doing it again tomorrow!” Believe it or not but this is radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance might help explain why parents feel so relieved admitting that child rearing can be an arduous and thankless task. And speaking the truth, as it applies to the moment, is the first step of this process. In fact, radical acceptance is one tool that can loosen the grip of parenting guilt. Proclaiming, “I hate parenting,” doesn’t make one an inadequate motheror father; it’s the first step of radical acceptance.

Transformation

Now that you’ve acknowledged how much you dislike your job of parenting, what comes next? Here’s where transformation can occur. With acknowledgement and acceptance, pain often dissipates. Why? Because speaking our feelings aloud validates our experiences and when we notice our emotions, their intensity softens.

Taking inventory

After proclaiming your feelings, figure out what you can and can’t control. For example, you might ask yourself, “How could things have gone differently?” Sometimes, things play out and there’s nothing we can do to intercept how life unfolds.

Accepting What Is

Finally, make a commitment to accept reality. This might be challenging when a full night’s sleep seems years away or when a crying baby has kept you from taking a shower or brushing your teeth. Keep in mind that intense moments will pass, but reactions linger. If it seems like frustration is getting the best of you, ask yourself, “What will I think of this moment in 5 years?” Doing so invites perspective taking, which can recalibrate our stress response.

Tuning In

If prickly feelings surface, tune into your body. Use your senses to better understand how the stress is affecting you. Does your stomach feel tense? Is your heart racing? Is there a pit in the middle of your stomach? At this point, simply observe the facts. And when you practice this skill, you are learning non-judgement. You are learning to accept.

And finally, remember to acknowledge that in this moment, you and your child are doing the best they can.

I invite you to try this practice this week and notice if and how things start to shift. 

Thinking about starting therapy with me?

Set-up a 20 minute call so I can answer any questions you may have.

Michelle Cilia
Psychotherapy San Francisco
415-710-6731
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Calm and Connection in Motherhood

Let’s face it. Most of us imagine when we are still pregnant what new motherhood will be like. We imagine our days filled with closeness with our little ones, nursing quietly in a sunny spot in our house and easy walks through the neighborhood.

For many new moms, this idea shifts around the first month. The dream of how motherhood would be takes a radical turn. At this point we look for escapes. There is unexpected monotony, disappointment and challenges that can be hard to face alone. Enter the cell phone: the new parents escape hatch.

The days with a baby can seem endless.

The routine monotonous. Often in such instances we turn to our cell phone. It gives us a sense of connection, a way to experience the world going on around us when we may be feeling so adrift. Unfortunately, this has a way of providing relief while also making us feel worse about our situation. I have seen countless groups and forums that shame new moms for everything from co-sleeping to formula feeding.

In these moments when you reach for your phone to ease a feeling of aloneness, boredom or just a general sense of something missing—take pause. There can be so much information when we give ourselves just a little space to pay attention to what is happening.

Many new moms (and for that matter experienced, multi child moms) I work with struggle with cell phone overuse. They feel guilty about it and most report that it has affected their relationship to their spouse. It all makes sense. We live in a culture that rewards “doing” and shuns “being”. When we find ourselves forced to slow down, whether by illness or having to stay home to care for a little one, our minds find ways to escape.

We look at Facebook, we check email, sometimes we check the weather just to get a moment of relief. It has been shown that checking your cell phone releases the chemical dopamine in the brain. When we hear an email coming in or a text, we get a small release of dopamine. No wonder our phones have us so captivated!

In my practice I offer the following tips to ease excessive cell phone use and help new moms reconnect with themselves and find a sense of calm.

So the next time you reach for your phone, try some of these ideas:

  • Try silencing your phone for blocks of time during the day. If you’re brave, turn it off for a few hours.
  • Leave your phone in a drawer or somewhere out of reach. Some families have a box that everyone can put their phone into when they come home. Setting intention and creating a separate space for the phone can really help.
  • Try something called ‘urge surfing’. When you feel a craving to look at your phone, take a moment to take some deep breathes and actually feel the bodily sensation that aries when you want to use your phone. Pay close attention and feel the sensation move through you.
  • Focus on your breathing for a few moments and just pause. All you need to do in this moment is to pay attention to your breath.
  • If the urge is strong, tune into what is around you. Some people find it helpful to name things that surround them. Tune into sounds, objects and smells.
  • Don’t use it as an alarm clock and don’t bring it into your bedroom.
  • Lastly, habits take time to change. Be kind to yourself while you are implementing new ways of being. Awareness really is half the battle.

Set up a 20-minute consult call so I can answer any questions you may have.

Michelle Cilia
Psychotherapy San Francisco
415-710-6731
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A needed conversation about new motherhood

After the excitement and whirlwind of giving birth is over and the dust settles, many women begin to feel a sense of isolation, because…..When these feelings emerge, we may feel guilty if we feel disconnected or sad when interacting with our babies. “This should be one of the happiest times in my life so why do I feel so sad?,” is a common question that arises for many new mothers. (we need a sentence or two here to explain why women withdraw, what day-to-day tasks begin to feel impossible?) We may start to withdraw and feel like day-to-day tasks are nearly impossible.

Unknown to many women, these feelings of sadness, isolation and anxiety are symptoms of postpartum depression, the number one complication of childbirth. PPD affects 1 in 7 new mothers. Sadly, many women suffer in silence and are never properly diagnosed. When postpartum depression and anxiety strike, many mothers search for allies—other women who are willing to admit that motherhood is less than glorious. It’s often difficult for close friends and family to watch as we become more distant and feel less like ourselves. Partners often watch postpartum mood disorders take hold and feel helpless as to what to do.

During this vulnerable time, some of our biggest allies are midwives, pediatricians and obstetricians. These health providers stand at the forefront of maternal care and can help screen and connect new mothers with the mental health care that they need.

As an advocate for maternal mental health, I am continually reaching out to these health professionals to ensure they receive the education that they need to properly screen new mothers so that they may serve as a bridge, linking women with the emotional support they require to be the best mothers they can be.

Some of our biggest allies at this vulnerable time ideally are our midwives, obstetricians, and often times our baby’s pediatrician. Too often though, they lack the training or the time to ask the right questions. Women are sometimes too embarrassed, too guilty to reach out and ask for help.

Since 1 in 7 women will experience a postpartum mood disorder, more training to spot it is vital.

In the past few years, there has been a push to integrate mental health with primary care. It is my hope that postpartum women start to get the care they need and so deserve. I will work to advocate for this hugely needed change and hope you will join me.

In the past few years, there has been a push to integrate mental health with primary care. It is my hope that postpartum women start to get the care they need and so deserve. I will work to advocate for this hugely needed change and hope you will join me.

Set up a 20-minute consult call so I can answer any questions you may have.

Michelle Cilia
Psychotherapy San Francisco
415-710-6731
Find me on Facebook

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