Recently, there’s been a lot of chatter about the difficulties of parenthood on social media sites, like Instagram and Facebook. A new breath of honesty has emerged in which people feel more open and less alone in stating how they really feel about being a parent. The blissful, happy new mother trope has begun to dissipate.

As a therapist, I think it’s great to create an open space, but I wonder if there’s a way to hold both the good and bad aspects of our experiences without feeling like we have to sign-up for “happy” or “miserable” mommy camp? Why? Because most parents struggle with ambivalence; the human experience of feeling two things at once.

When I’m working with a parent who’s struggling to adjust to his or her new role, I often explain how parenting can leave us frazzled and more reactive. In this vulnerable state, old coping skills go out the window and the ability to tolerate ambivalence lessens.

Parenting challenges all facets of our being and asks us to constantly tend to another person’s needs while also caring for our own. During this tender time, our emotional muscles can get a workout because tolerating sleep deprivation, less freedom and caring for a tiny person requires so much of us. As a result, painful moments can feel like they are getting the best of us.

What exactly is Radical Acceptance?

Here’s where the concept of radical acceptance comes in. Acknowledging your discomfort or pain can free you from over identifying with it. Doing this can be straightforward and might look something like this: “I’m utterly tired of this job and it feels impossible to think of doing it again tomorrow!” Believe it or not but this is radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance might help explain why parents feel so relieved admitting that child rearing can be an arduous and thankless task. And speaking the truth, as it applies to the moment, is the first step of this process. In fact, radical acceptance is one tool that can loosen the grip of parenting guilt. Proclaiming, “I hate parenting,” doesn’t make one an inadequate motheror father; it’s the first step of radical acceptance.

Transformation

Now that you’ve acknowledged how much you dislike your job of parenting, what comes next? Here’s where transformation can occur. With acknowledgement and acceptance, pain often dissipates. Why? Because speaking our feelings aloud validates our experiences and when we notice our emotions, their intensity softens.

Taking inventory

After proclaiming your feelings, figure out what you can and can’t control. For example, you might ask yourself, “How could things have gone differently?” Sometimes, things play out and there’s nothing we can do to intercept how life unfolds.

Accepting What Is

Finally, make a commitment to accept reality. This might be challenging when a full night’s sleep seems years away or when a crying baby has kept you from taking a shower or brushing your teeth. Keep in mind that intense moments will pass, but reactions linger. If it seems like frustration is getting the best of you, ask yourself, “What will I think of this moment in 5 years?” Doing so invites perspective taking, which can recalibrate our stress response.

Tuning In

If prickly feelings surface, tune into your body. Use your senses to better understand how the stress is affecting you. Does your stomach feel tense? Is your heart racing? Is there a pit in the middle of your stomach? At this point, simply observe the facts. And when you practice this skill, you are learning non-judgement. You are learning to accept.

And finally, remember to acknowledge that in this moment, you and your child are doing the best they can.

I invite you to try this practice this week and notice if and how things start to shift. 

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Michelle Cilia
Psychotherapy San Francisco
415-710-6731
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